I wrote this last week, and we are still processing everything but holding firm in our faith in God's plan. I wasn't sure that I would share this news, but how can I not if I'm wanting to be honest with myself and others (including you bloggy friends). This is a part of me now. I will walk my days in the comfort of a angel watching our for our family and praying for us. The journey is by no means over, and I believe in God's timing as He's never let me down, never misguided me, never dropped me from His healing, protective hands.
I haven't blogged in a while. For one, my laptop is out of commission, perhaps permanently, but that's another post for another day, but yet a reason for my slacking.
More importantly, I've been tired, really tired, and just trying to keep up the day to day because, well I was busy growing another wee bit. That's right. We were so blessed after taking some necessary fertility and holistic steps to conceive a second child. After seeing and hearing the heartbeat we told family and friends over Christmas, and all was right in the world. Talk about contentment right?
Until this week. I'm not sure about writing this post and how I will process feelings. I'm not sure if I will publish it. If you are reading it, I obviously chose to go through with it. It might even take several posts to fully deal with all of these feelings, but I'm looking for ways to be grateful for my life, all of it, and find peace in loving and being loved.
We now have a little guardian angel in Heaven, an innocent little one with a sweet little soul, singing with the angels and dancing with Jesus. That's a sugary picture; I understand. But this is my faith and how I'm dealing with emotions. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I'm confused. But I NEED the peace of knowing there is a God holding that baby right now, the same God holding me up to be the wife, mother, daughter, and friend that he created me to be even through heartache.
I don't know what's the most difficult for me, but I know for sure that I am blanketed in fear. And I know this is silly because my faith is stronger than that. I know in my heart that God has designed our family's life and He is in control. I trust in that.
But I also struggle that maybe my desires aren't in this plan. At the end of the day, that will be ok, but right now, it's just not.
We struggled to get pregnant with Wyatt. This second one was not easy either. Trying again will appointments attended, money spent, and energy focused, and I'm scared of the monthly roller coaster. I'm scared about failure. I'm worried about hormonal crazies.
Bigger--I'm scared that we can't provide a sibling for W. I'm not knocking single children, but my heart yearns for W to have younger brothers/sisters to grow along with.
Bigger, yet somehow not so big--I'm scared of tiny holiday celebrations. This is silly, but I come from larger families, and in South LA, there are always big family gatherings. This is a worry that I must squash, for if our family is small, we will have our own beautiful traditions and memories.
That's me today. This morning was tough. I felt alone and let down and panicked about the future. This afternoon I'm more at ease. What does this all mean for my commitment to contentment--I'm not sure. I do know that I refuse to let the experience make me stagnant in life. There is a beautiful, healthy toddler that God lent me for some time here on earth. There is a wonderful, handsome, unselfish, kind man with whom I get to spend my days. Here is an opportunity to run towards God with arms open wide and rekindle my faith. I think I'll take it.