Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Contentment Through Challenge

I wrote this last week, and we are still processing everything but holding firm in our faith in God's plan. I wasn't sure that I would share this news, but how can I not if I'm wanting to be honest with myself and others (including you bloggy friends). This is a part of me now. I will walk my days in the comfort of a angel watching our for our family and praying for us. The journey is by no means over, and I believe in God's timing as He's never let me down, never misguided me, never dropped me from His healing, protective hands. 

I haven't blogged in a while. For one, my laptop is out of commission, perhaps permanently, but that's another post for another day, but yet a reason for my slacking.

More importantly, I've been tired, really tired, and just trying to keep up the day to day because, well I was busy growing another wee bit. That's right. We were so blessed after taking some necessary fertility and holistic steps to conceive a second child. After seeing and hearing the heartbeat we told family and friends over Christmas, and all was right in the world. Talk about contentment right?

Until this week. I'm not sure about writing this post and how I will process feelings. I'm not sure if I will publish it. If you are reading it, I obviously chose to go through with it. It might even take several posts to fully deal with all of these feelings, but I'm looking for ways to be grateful for my life, all of it, and find peace in loving and being loved. 

We now have a little guardian angel in Heaven, an innocent little one with a sweet little soul, singing with the angels and dancing with Jesus. That's a sugary picture; I understand. But this is my faith and how I'm dealing with emotions. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I'm confused. But I NEED the peace of knowing there is a God holding that baby right now, the same God holding me up to be the wife, mother, daughter, and friend that he created me to be even through heartache.

I don't know what's the most difficult for me, but I know for sure that I am blanketed in fear. And I know this is silly because my faith is stronger than that. I know in my heart that God has designed our family's life and He is in control. I trust in that.
But I also struggle that maybe my desires aren't in this plan. At the end of the day, that will be ok, but right now, it's just not.

We struggled to get pregnant with Wyatt. This second one was not easy either. Trying again will appointments attended, money spent, and energy focused, and I'm scared of the monthly roller coaster. I'm scared about failure. I'm worried about hormonal crazies.

Bigger--I'm scared that we can't provide a sibling for W. I'm not knocking single children, but my heart yearns for W to have younger brothers/sisters to grow along with.
Bigger, yet somehow not so big--I'm scared of tiny holiday celebrations. This is silly, but I come from larger families, and in South LA, there are always big family gatherings. This is a worry that I must squash, for if our family is small, we will have our own beautiful traditions and memories.

That's me today. This morning was tough. I felt alone and let down and panicked about the future. This afternoon I'm more at ease.  What does this all mean for my commitment to contentment--I'm not sure. I do know that I refuse to let the experience make me stagnant in life. There is a beautiful, healthy toddler that God lent me for some time here on earth. There is a wonderful, handsome, unselfish, kind man with whom I get to spend my days. Here is an opportunity to run towards God with arms open wide and rekindle my faith. I think I'll take it. 










12 comments:

Allie said...

OMG! Emailing you vs a long comment!!! Thinking about you!! xoxo

Mrs. Mama said...

I am so sorry friend. Will be thinking about you and your sweet angel.

Megan said...

I am so sorry. Will definitely be praying for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I am glad you have such a loving husband to help you get through this.

Am I Really Grown Up? said...

There are no words good enough to try to help you heal. God does have a plan for you and if that means one child or many more to bless you, you will one day realize how that plan is supposed to work.

Momma StJ said...

My heart aches for you. I know the pain. God is Sovereign in all things, but sometimes knowing that doesn't help much...sending prayers your way<3

Natalie said...

I know this must be tough...and I'm glad you are sharing this with us. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Happiness Is... said...

I am so, so sorry. But this is SO weird. You are literally the 3rd blogger to come out with this news in the past week. And I swear that He is at work. I, too, lost a baby late in 2011. It is so weird, though weird is the wrong word because I think it is part of His plan, because I have not blogged about our loss (my ILs read and I am not ready to go there, though I talk openly about it with friends and via comments) - and then in the past week I have found 3 bloggers who had losses at the same time. I am truly very sorry for your loss, your struggles -- all of it. If you want to talk, email me. Our stories may not be identical but I can relate on some level. Lots of prayers for you and your family.

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

I am so sorry. I think you have read my story as well and all I can say is that I understand. I'll be praying and thinking about you. Just know you are not alone. Email anytime.

Lindsey said...

Even amidst grief, because of Christ, it is with great joy that we can look forward to reunion with our beloved children in heaven. I have tears. I empathize completely: losing a pregnancy, yearning for a sibling for the firstborn, and I've already made dr appt after trying for a year for our third pregnancy (one roller coaster month at a time). Love you, friend. Love you so much.

Savanah said...

Oh Jenn, I am so sorry. I don't have any idea what you are going through, but wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and your familiy right now.

Nicole said...

Continued prayers, my friend. Your spirit is moving.

Faith said...

Jenn- my heart aches for you! I am praying with you friend! But also rejoicing with you to know that we have a God who is good and faithful. God works in ALL things! xoxo